Greetings from Zhongnanhai (not the cigarettes)!
In the first of our Party bulletins, we'd like to send our warmest regards to all of our International friends joining us for the first time. Of course, we hope you are all having fun, drinking (in moderation and not ending up starting fights or accidentally, brutally knifing anyone to death in San Li Tun) our famous Tsingtao Beer, soaking up our long history, immersing themselves in our Chinese culture and not in anyway harassing and/or molesting any of the children that they might or might not be teaching in our many esteemed international schools.
Most of the letters from our International Friends this week have been concerning our former Comrade, Bo Xi Lai. From watching your Game of Thrones series on HBO, I know how much you like a good drama, but unlike in Game of Thrones, I'm afraid to say that Mr. Bo won't be mown down in whirlwind of arrows, knives and betrayal. There was a very nice 4 hour PPT from Wang Li Jun's legal team illustrating the mechanics behind such a proposal, but it's just not the kind of "red wedding" that we do in China.
We all had a vote (and yes, we do know what votes are in China, before you start!) and narrowly, the idea of a "trial" with a "judge" won out in the end. I'm sure that we're all looking forward to the "verdict".
Dear International Friends, rest assured that Mr. Bo is set for a stern ticking off, I can tell you, and I think that we all should be a little nicer to him, especially in light of the horrific, and very fatal car crash and accidental shooting in the head that he will be involved in on the way to his prison cell next month.
At this point, my International Friends, I have to move onto some more serious news. Not the serious kind of news that involves baby milk poisoning or "tofu buildings" or anything that might give you small cell carcinoma just by looking at it. It's much more serious than that.
Due to rampant abuse of the electronic bulletin board, we've had to add some new words to our naughty word list. We really wish that we didn't have to do this, but in the interests of social harmony, a few bad apples in the barrel have forced us. In the past, comments such as "f**k that motherf**ker Jin Ping and his whole c**ting family for taking our land, I hope the rat f**k son of a b**ch rots in hell with the rest of his b**tard family when I get my f**king hands on him" will be replaced automatically with much better versions online. So that's a big "f**k off" to all the foreign educated twenty somethings who think they can run the country better than I can!
I believe something involving China's long history and large population has been deemed more appropriate. Many thanks to the head of the IT department, Mr. Zhengfei for the technical wizardry.
Until next "issue", many thanks for reading, and we hope to see you for the next time!
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