China Defends Human Rights Record: Eight Key Points

Points that the Chinese Special Envoy to the United Nations would like to make in relation to the human rights situation in the People's Republic of China.

1.  Anyone we've thrown in jailed on trumped up charges has never complained about their human rights being violated.  Even when we've threatened to break their legs.

2. We honestly didn't think you'd find out.

3.  Weren't the Olympics great?  The one that was in Beijing we mean.  We got sooooo many gold medals, do you remember?

4.  I mean seriously, Chinese human rights is still a thing?  You sandal-wearing UN hippies need to change the bloody record.

5.  It's all just a problem of you whities not understanding our culture.  In China, aborting babies at 8 months is an ancient practice that goes back tens of years (sometimes less than that), and is often performed out of sincere respect for the family by the local family planning officer/veterinarian.

6.  To prevent more Tibetan protestors setting themselves on fire, we've introduced several new revisions to the national "no smoking" initiative.

7.  No-one has been brutally shot down in their tracks or crushed under an M1 Tank since at least 1989.  If that's not progress, we don't know what is.

8.  Two monks were crossing a bridge one day.  The first monk said "The cherry blossoms have arrived early this year.".  The second monk said "yes, but I'm quite tall.".

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Beijing Municipal Police Report

August 23th, 2013

0428hrs

Detective Xiao Wang arrived in back at the Gu Luo Da Jie station having completed a circuit of the 2nd ring road.  Xiao Wang completed the route setting a new speed record of 159kph, a record previously held by the late WPC Xiao Jie (147kph).  Since Xiao Wang incurred the deaths of only 4 Uighurs and three ethnic Tibetans son Gui Jie, he will be recommended for promotion as per Standing Committee guidelines.

0800hrs

Considerable consideration was given to new recruits into the Beijing police force.  Upon public examination in front of their peers, 54 recruits were Han Chinese, male, physically fit and in all other ways met the requirements for the job.  However, according to rules passed down by the Standing Committee, their minor skin conditions meant that of the 60 candidates that were presented, six females were selected based on their inside leg measurements and willingness to perform Song Dynasty erotic dances set to popular musics of the time.

The six candidates were welcomed by the supervisor of the police cafeteria staff, Lao Xiu who was subsequently arrested for serving Danish bacon instead of Chinese pork in a obvious attempt to subvert the state.  Lao Xiu was later admitted to hospital after suffering an accidental beating with a steel chair leg in one of the cells.

1120hrs

Several young children seeking shelter from the sun in Andingmen subway station were reported to the Missing Children Department.  As a result, the subway station was closed for maintenance and was fumigated with the nerve agent CN20.  There were no survivors.

1245hrs

An emergency call was placed by a member of the public who had witnessed an infraction between a Beijing stall holder and two foreign women.  Upon learning that the Chinese stall holder responsible for fighting with the two foreign women had done a runner, officers at the scene protected the foreigner’s rights by placing them under arrest and charging them with a number of offenses, including failure to protect their rights.  Several Uighurs suffered minor injuries to the face, neck and groin during the arrest.

1830hrs

The station was closed to allow all officers to attend a gala dinner to celebrate the acquittal of Constables Zhou and Kong following their encounter with a  migrant worker in a shopping mall, which in no way ended in a brutal gang rape, despite media reports.  The two heroic officers, who did little but watch the poor girl's fragile body plummet 13 floors have been granted 7 weeks compassionate leave in Sanya to recover from the damaging effects of witnessing such an event.

Dumpty Family Wary of Settling in Beijing

The Dumpty family have spoken out for the first time about their reluctance to settle in Beijing.

"As an immigrant family, we were tempted to move to China, given the terrible employment situation in Europe," said the father, Humpty, "When we heard of the number of migrant workers that have fallen to their deaths in Beijing, we thought that it might be a bad idea."

Beijing's reputation as a booming employment hub for overseas families to settle in has grown beyond even the Chinese government's expectations.

Families like the Humptys have instead chosen to settle in Eastern Europe, where walls are lower, and the likelihood of being gang raped by egg-crazed security guards is almost non existent.  "In China, people look at our yolks and get what we in the egg community call "yellow fever".  The albumin can drive men to do insane things.  We're much safer in the Ukraine where people prefer cabbage."

In 1842, The King's Men were implicated in a tragic accident concerning Humpty's great-grandfather, Humpty Senior, who fell off a wall and was subsequently unable to be put back together and buried in a shallow grave on the outskirts of town before the crown coroner could arrive at the scene.

"They claimed that all the King's Men couldn't put my gramps back together again, but we know it was a lie.  The investigation was botched, the townspeople had always looked down on us eggs."

No sign of sexual assault had been reported, despite the claims that before his fall, Great-Gandpa Humpty   he had posted on Weibo  that he had been "laid".

All the King's Men were not available for comment.

 

Xinhua Apologises for Explicit Slideshow

In a Xinhua.net slideshow earlier last week we published revealing pictures of Xi Jin Ping being the President of China, apparently being photographed leading the country.

Usually, every effort is made at our media agency to substantiate such pictures, but, after extensive investigation, we were unable to find any evidence to support any act of leadership as depicted in the images.

We now acknowledge that Xi Jin Ping has been far too busy flirting with First Ladies, traveling around Africa on junkets, jailing critics and making sure that no websites with questionable content are accessible in China, etc, etc...

We are very sorry for any confusion or distress this may have caused.