Beijing Municipal Police Report

August 23th, 2013

0428hrs

Detective Xiao Wang arrived in back at the Gu Luo Da Jie station having completed a circuit of the 2nd ring road.  Xiao Wang completed the route setting a new speed record of 159kph, a record previously held by the late WPC Xiao Jie (147kph).  Since Xiao Wang incurred the deaths of only 4 Uighurs and three ethnic Tibetans son Gui Jie, he will be recommended for promotion as per Standing Committee guidelines.

0800hrs

Considerable consideration was given to new recruits into the Beijing police force.  Upon public examination in front of their peers, 54 recruits were Han Chinese, male, physically fit and in all other ways met the requirements for the job.  However, according to rules passed down by the Standing Committee, their minor skin conditions meant that of the 60 candidates that were presented, six females were selected based on their inside leg measurements and willingness to perform Song Dynasty erotic dances set to popular musics of the time.

The six candidates were welcomed by the supervisor of the police cafeteria staff, Lao Xiu who was subsequently arrested for serving Danish bacon instead of Chinese pork in a obvious attempt to subvert the state.  Lao Xiu was later admitted to hospital after suffering an accidental beating with a steel chair leg in one of the cells.

1120hrs

Several young children seeking shelter from the sun in Andingmen subway station were reported to the Missing Children Department.  As a result, the subway station was closed for maintenance and was fumigated with the nerve agent CN20.  There were no survivors.

1245hrs

An emergency call was placed by a member of the public who had witnessed an infraction between a Beijing stall holder and two foreign women.  Upon learning that the Chinese stall holder responsible for fighting with the two foreign women had done a runner, officers at the scene protected the foreigner’s rights by placing them under arrest and charging them with a number of offenses, including failure to protect their rights.  Several Uighurs suffered minor injuries to the face, neck and groin during the arrest.

1830hrs

The station was closed to allow all officers to attend a gala dinner to celebrate the acquittal of Constables Zhou and Kong following their encounter with a  migrant worker in a shopping mall, which in no way ended in a brutal gang rape, despite media reports.  The two heroic officers, who did little but watch the poor girl's fragile body plummet 13 floors have been granted 7 weeks compassionate leave in Sanya to recover from the damaging effects of witnessing such an event.