China Defends Human Rights Record: Eight Key Points

Points that the Chinese Special Envoy to the United Nations would like to make in relation to the human rights situation in the People's Republic of China.

1.  Anyone we've thrown in jailed on trumped up charges has never complained about their human rights being violated.  Even when we've threatened to break their legs.

2. We honestly didn't think you'd find out.

3.  Weren't the Olympics great?  The one that was in Beijing we mean.  We got sooooo many gold medals, do you remember?

4.  I mean seriously, Chinese human rights is still a thing?  You sandal-wearing UN hippies need to change the bloody record.

5.  It's all just a problem of you whities not understanding our culture.  In China, aborting babies at 8 months is an ancient practice that goes back tens of years (sometimes less than that), and is often performed out of sincere respect for the family by the local family planning officer/veterinarian.

6.  To prevent more Tibetan protestors setting themselves on fire, we've introduced several new revisions to the national "no smoking" initiative.

7.  No-one has been brutally shot down in their tracks or crushed under an M1 Tank since at least 1989.  If that's not progress, we don't know what is.

8.  Two monks were crossing a bridge one day.  The first monk said "The cherry blossoms have arrived early this year.".  The second monk said "yes, but I'm quite tall.".

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China Crackdown Comes Under UN Review

For the time being, outcry over the jail terms and fines imposed by Chinese officials of those who are found guilty of spreading rumors online has largely been confined to tree-hugging hippy types like those found in organizations like, er, Amnesty International.

Reuters is reporting that for the first time, the tighter measures that obviously limit freedom of speech (unless you're from North Korea, in which case, it's the opposite) will be reviewed by the UN Human Rights Council.  In case you're wondering how China even got through the door without diplomats falling about laughing in the aisles, China isn't actually a member of the UN, but is planning to launch a PR offensive for membership.  Presumably the presentation defending the actions of it's Big V Crackdown that it plans to give in Geneva is a pre-game warm-up.

The Foreign Ministry has said that it will listen to constructive criticisms, saying that it will give them "serious consideration".  Much in the same way that it thoughtfully mulled over what punishment people who call Xi Jin Ping a stinky stoopid boogerhead on Weibo should receive (a 107 year suspended death sentence, in case you're wondering.  Be careful who you call a boogerhead on Weibo).

Adding wiggle room to it's statement, the ministry added ""As for malicious, deliberate criticisms, of course we will uphold our own path and our own correct judgments.".  So as long as the criticisms are accidental, it's all right then.