Points that the Chinese Special Envoy to the United Nations would like to make in relation to the human rights situation in the People's Republic of China.

1. Anyone we've thrown in jailed on trumped up charges has never complained about their human rights being violated. Even when we've threatened to break their legs.

2. We honestly didn't think you'd find out.

3. Weren't the Olympics great? The one that was in Beijing we mean. We got sooooo many gold medals, do you remember?

4. I mean seriously, Chinese human rights is still a thing? You sandal-wearing UN hippies need to change the bloody record.

5. It's all just a problem of you whities not understanding our culture. In China, aborting babies at 8 months is an ancient practice that goes back tens of years (sometimes less than that), and is often performed out of sincere respect for the family by the local family planning officer/veterinarian.

6. To prevent more Tibetan protestors setting themselves on fire, we've introduced several new revisions to the national "no smoking" initiative.

7. No-one has been brutally shot down in their tracks or crushed under an M1 Tank since at least 1989. If that's not progress, we don't know what is.

8. Two monks were crossing a bridge one day. The first monk said "The cherry blossoms have arrived early this year.". The second monk said "yes, but I'm quite tall.".